Monday, 30 April 2018

A Little Update

It's been a long old time since I've clicked the 'new post' button; probably the longest I've ever left it alone since starting blogging just over six years ago. Life seems to move so quickly when you have a tiny human growing in front of you so I thought I'd pop back with an update as to what's been going on and how we're all doing. This could get lengthy!

The reason I stepped back from blogging is primarily down to my mental health. I've lived with generalised anxiety disorder and recurrent episodes of depression for over half my life but when I fell pregnant with Aneurin I entered my longest ever period of stability. Even after he died I recognised my emotions as being grief rather than ill mental health. However, I think somewhere along the line everything became blurred. Grief and trauma became a central part of my life but they were overshadowed somewhat when I fell pregnant with Lilian just five months after Aneurin died. I put my intense anxiety and any emotional turmoil I had down as simply pregnancy after loss, on top of the fact I was still in a very raw period of grief. Once Lily arrived safely I was so overwhelmed and I couldn't make sense of most of the copious emotions I was experiencing and again explained it away as normal struggles of a new mum, a new mum who was already a mum but had never parented a living child and the difficulties we had with breastfeeding. The days charged on regardless of what I was feeling and I really didn't have time to pause and breathe, let alone analyse anything too deeply. 

Slowly though, over the last 8-10 months, I found my feet a little more and we fell into a manageable pace. My confidence in my ability to parent grew (albeit only slightly...), I found my village and other areas of my life that were struggling under the weight of everything else became lighter. I slowed down and as a result, my brain caught up. 

I won't go into too much detail about the specifics of what my noggin has been up to but it's not been a particularly pleasant place to have been in lately. Thankfully I have a wonderful support network around me and although I definitely left it a bit too long, I asked for help. I was very reluctant to start medication again, having managed two years without it after many, many years with it but for the first time this episode of being ill wasn't just going to affect me and I am slowly finding the right combination of medication for me right now. I've not had the best experience finding professional support and in all honesty it has gotten a lot worse before it's gotten better but I'm about to start some specific therapy that will hopefully be right for me. It's hard to know what is the lifelong mental health condition, what is grief, what is trauma, PAL anxiety, new mum struggles, parenting after loss, PND or something new entirely but hopefully now I am on the right path to understanding and managing it all. 

The one glorious beam of light through my brain nonsense is my Lily-bean. She is a full blown toddler now, hurtling around at light speed and rapidly finding her place in the world. She took her first steps at ten and a half months so now at 20 months her preferred method of travel is running. Usually like a headless chicken and usually laughing maniacally with something she knows she shouldn't have in her hand. Her speech is developing amazingly well and every day she blurts out handfuls of new words. It astounds me both how she comes out with words we haven't specifically taught her and uses them correctly, and how she parrots words back to us. Although the latter also panics me slightly because she's definitely said 'shit' a fair few times but it's fine because we've decided to deal with it by saying 'sheep? Did you say sheep? Yes, sheep!'.

We are continuing to breastfeed with no signs of stopping. There are definitely days when I wonder if I'll have to squash a tit through the gates of her secondary school at lunchtimes and whenever I search for anything beginning with 'how' on my phone Safari auto-fills it with 'to night wean' but it is absolutely still my most important and valued parenting tool. If I'm honest I am getting the point where I would like to night wean for many reasons (which I might write about once we reach that stage if anyone is interested) but I know it's going to be very difficult and intense whilst she adjusts to the change and I'm not sure if any of us are really up for that just yet. So for the time being we are still feeding day and night!

I'm really enjoying this stage of Lily's life. She's got such a strong personality that we saw glimpses of from a tiny age but is really starting to flourish. She's strong-willed; she knows exactly what she wants and doesn't want which I know will serve her well later in life but can definitely be a bit challenging right now! She's so confident; always happy to tear off and do her own thing or immerse herself in an activity without me. (Take that, people who said breastfeeding, co-sleeping and babywearing would make her clingy!) And she's hilarious. She is learning what is funny both for her own entertainment and for the purpose of entertaining people around her. She has an amazing way of making you laugh when she's doing something she knows she probably shouldn't be and more often than not Haydn and I have to take it in turns to giggle behind a cushion! I feel so fortunate to be her mum. It's hard work sometimes when she's so energetic and I'm permanently needing an extra few hours sleep but every day is an adventure with her and I am so in love with the little person she's becoming.



Looking ahead, without meaning to sound too wanky, there are some changes afoot for this little blog. Despite a very quiet start to this year I really want to start tap-tapping on my laptop more regularly  and find the joy in it again. I love writing, I always have and although I wanted to share our story and our experiences in the hopes it may help another family, it's as much for me as it is for anyone else. There are a few things I want to alter and adapt on here which will happen over the next few months but mostly, I just want to get stuck in again, starting with a little turtle related announcement next week!

Love,
Elena x
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