Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Turtle Tots Announcement & Giveaway! #TTClassof18

Our love for our baby swimming lessons with Turtle Tots is well documented on my blog and social media so I am incredibly excited to share with you that we are the Turtle Tots Northamptonshire ambassadors for the class of 2018!




We started classes when Lily was 11 weeks old and it's been amazing to see her skills develop over the last 18 months. We're nearing the end of our second toddler term after having completed all five baby levels!

To celebrate our ambassadorship I'm giving away £50 worth of Turtle Tots merchandise on my Instagram as well as a free taster session of baby and toddler swimming classes! To enter head over to www.instagram.com/elenalucie and look for the post. Good luck!
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Friday, 25 May 2018

Repeal The 8th; My Story

I'm normally very apprehensive about discussing things that come under the umbrella of abortion/termination, termination for medical reasons and antenatal testing because we chose to continue our pregnancy knowing our baby had Downs syndrome. I worry people might assume I feel a certain way about the subject and that the decision we make extends to the world around us. However, our journey to that decision was not straight forwards. I'm still trying to process our experience three years later and although this may not be terribly coherent I really wanted to put some words down today as Ireland vote to repeal the 8th

We chose to continue our pregnancy knowing our baby had Downs syndrome. That was the right decision for us, for me, for our life. However, I am passionately pro-choice and although I'll admit I do sometimes struggle with the knowledge that 99% of pregnancies affected by Downs syndrome are terminated, I really believe that informed choice is vital and everyone is entitled to access safe, basic healthcare. My discomfort with knowing so many DS affected pregnancies are terminated does not come from a place of believing those parents are making the wrong choice, it comes from a far more personal place. The undertone of so much change surrounding antenatal testing which again, I am in full support of because everyone has the right to an informed choice with no judgement, is that a life with Downs syndrome has no value and and a person with Downs syndrome has no place in our society. That my son's life had no value, that he had no place in our society. That the fact he died was probably for the best.

I'm sure the number of people who truly believe that are very, very far and few between but they are still there. There are some in my life, albeit on the outskirts but they still exist. I've had healthcare professionals say to me in as many words that his death was nature's way of making our life easier. I've had people close to me suggest that 'perfect' babies do not deserve to die but my baby wasn't perfect so maybe it was 'for the best'. As you can imagine that is incredibly painful to hear.

This is why I tend to step backwards around the topic of termination but with Ireland voting to decriminalise abortion and make full reproductive healthcare, including abortion, available to everyone today feels like the very best day to step forwards, because our story wasn't as simple as that one decision to continue. Infact, the week before, we had made the decision to end our pregnancy.

If you've been following me for a while you might have read our diagnosis story (if you haven't, here is part one and part two) where I went through the process of finding out Aneurin had Downs syndrome. Before we had the results that showed the extra chromosome on pair 21, we were told he had a different chromosomal condition, Trisomy 18, Edwards syndrome; one that was incompatible with life. Downs syndrome was never mentioned, only Edwards. And the way it was laid out to us, three years ago tomorrow, was very, very bleak. We were told if our baby survived birth he would die shortly after. That he would be very, very ill with no quality of life and if by some miracle he lived longer than a day he would never make it to childhood. We were told that we had a decision to make and in the three excruciatingly long days we spent at home waiting for the results, we made that decision. We decided we would end our pregnancy. 

I'm not sure I've ever talked about this part of our diagnosis process before. When I wrote it all down three years ago it was still so raw and so intense that that part of it didn't seem to matter. It had paled into insignificance to the diagnosis of Downs syndrome and the utter whirlwind of the weeks that followed. It feels like it matters now though. Not just because I am slowly learning to accept the impact these episodes of trauma have had on me, but because today Ireland are voting on whether or not women will get that choice of making the decision no mother ever wants to make. Terminations happen whether they're legal or not. Nobody should be forced to continue with an unwanted or very wanted but not viable pregnancy. We decided that with the choice of ending the pregnancy, our baby feeling no pain and being able to spend time with him or continuing, having longer with him but knowing that if he were born alive there would be no time frame for his death, that we would just have to wait for it to happen, the latter just felt too difficult and too painful for us. That was our informed choice and had we have had to follow through with that choice, it would have been respected and our wishes carried out with dignity and respect for us and our baby. The idea of being forced to carry a baby for months knowing the outcome is never going to be the one you want is horrific. Nobody should be made to do that. 

It might feel as though you cannot do much if you're not eligible to vote in Ireland but there are a few ways in which you can help. You can donate to the Abortion Support Network, support the Together4Yes campaign, share information about the campaign or write to your local MP to urge them to support the change for the abortion laws in Northern Ireland where it is still incredibly difficult to access safe abortion.

Here's hoping today is the start of a new chapter for the women of Ireland. 

repeal the 8th
Illustration by the brilliant Rebecca Strickson for the equally brilliant Black & Beech

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Monday, 30 April 2018

A Little Update

It's been a long old time since I've clicked the 'new post' button; probably the longest I've ever left it alone since starting blogging just over six years ago. Life seems to move so quickly when you have a tiny human growing in front of you so I thought I'd pop back with an update as to what's been going on and how we're all doing. This could get lengthy!

The reason I stepped back from blogging is primarily down to my mental health. I've lived with generalised anxiety disorder and recurrent episodes of depression for over half my life but when I fell pregnant with Aneurin I entered my longest ever period of stability. Even after he died I recognised my emotions as being grief rather than ill mental health. However, I think somewhere along the line everything became blurred. Grief and trauma became a central part of my life but they were overshadowed somewhat when I fell pregnant with Lilian just five months after Aneurin died. I put my intense anxiety and any emotional turmoil I had down as simply pregnancy after loss, on top of the fact I was still in a very raw period of grief. Once Lily arrived safely I was so overwhelmed and I couldn't make sense of most of the copious emotions I was experiencing and again explained it away as normal struggles of a new mum, a new mum who was already a mum but had never parented a living child and the difficulties we had with breastfeeding. The days charged on regardless of what I was feeling and I really didn't have time to pause and breathe, let alone analyse anything too deeply. 

Slowly though, over the last 8-10 months, I found my feet a little more and we fell into a manageable pace. My confidence in my ability to parent grew (albeit only slightly...), I found my village and other areas of my life that were struggling under the weight of everything else became lighter. I slowed down and as a result, my brain caught up. 

I won't go into too much detail about the specifics of what my noggin has been up to but it's not been a particularly pleasant place to have been in lately. Thankfully I have a wonderful support network around me and although I definitely left it a bit too long, I asked for help. I was very reluctant to start medication again, having managed two years without it after many, many years with it but for the first time this episode of being ill wasn't just going to affect me and I am slowly finding the right combination of medication for me right now. I've not had the best experience finding professional support and in all honesty it has gotten a lot worse before it's gotten better but I'm about to start some specific therapy that will hopefully be right for me. It's hard to know what is the lifelong mental health condition, what is grief, what is trauma, PAL anxiety, new mum struggles, parenting after loss, PND or something new entirely but hopefully now I am on the right path to understanding and managing it all. 

The one glorious beam of light through my brain nonsense is my Lily-bean. She is a full blown toddler now, hurtling around at light speed and rapidly finding her place in the world. She took her first steps at ten and a half months so now at 20 months her preferred method of travel is running. Usually like a headless chicken and usually laughing maniacally with something she knows she shouldn't have in her hand. Her speech is developing amazingly well and every day she blurts out handfuls of new words. It astounds me both how she comes out with words we haven't specifically taught her and uses them correctly, and how she parrots words back to us. Although the latter also panics me slightly because she's definitely said 'shit' a fair few times but it's fine because we've decided to deal with it by saying 'sheep? Did you say sheep? Yes, sheep!'.

We are continuing to breastfeed with no signs of stopping. There are definitely days when I wonder if I'll have to squash a tit through the gates of her secondary school at lunchtimes and whenever I search for anything beginning with 'how' on my phone Safari auto-fills it with 'to night wean' but it is absolutely still my most important and valued parenting tool. If I'm honest I am getting the point where I would like to night wean for many reasons (which I might write about once we reach that stage if anyone is interested) but I know it's going to be very difficult and intense whilst she adjusts to the change and I'm not sure if any of us are really up for that just yet. So for the time being we are still feeding day and night!

I'm really enjoying this stage of Lily's life. She's got such a strong personality that we saw glimpses of from a tiny age but is really starting to flourish. She's strong-willed; she knows exactly what she wants and doesn't want which I know will serve her well later in life but can definitely be a bit challenging right now! She's so confident; always happy to tear off and do her own thing or immerse herself in an activity without me. (Take that, people who said breastfeeding, co-sleeping and babywearing would make her clingy!) And she's hilarious. She is learning what is funny both for her own entertainment and for the purpose of entertaining people around her. She has an amazing way of making you laugh when she's doing something she knows she probably shouldn't be and more often than not Haydn and I have to take it in turns to giggle behind a cushion! I feel so fortunate to be her mum. It's hard work sometimes when she's so energetic and I'm permanently needing an extra few hours sleep but every day is an adventure with her and I am so in love with the little person she's becoming.



Looking ahead, without meaning to sound too wanky, there are some changes afoot for this little blog. Despite a very quiet start to this year I really want to start tap-tapping on my laptop more regularly  and find the joy in it again. I love writing, I always have and although I wanted to share our story and our experiences in the hopes it may help another family, it's as much for me as it is for anyone else. There are a few things I want to alter and adapt on here which will happen over the next few months but mostly, I just want to get stuck in again, starting with a little turtle related announcement next week!

Love,
Elena x
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