Sunday, 1 January 2017

2016: The Year of Rebuilding

2016, a year that brought so much tragedy and difficulty to the world as a whole. A year in which my heart was already broken, broke even more but eventually filled with more love than I could have imagined. Whilst the world lost icons and celebrities, my family lost some of our very beloved own. I've continued to grieve for Aneurin in new and more complex ways and I fought my way through an impossibly anxious pregnancy. I've also sadly witnessed countless families join our community of baby loss and forced to learn how to walk this path.

But amongst the darkness, there has been light. Precious babies have arrived safely, friends have been made, souls have met and most importantly, people have survived. We've put one foot infront of the other and that deserves to be celebrated because life is bloody difficult at the best of times, let alone when things are falling apart on a global scale.  

Last year I desperately didn't want that clock to tick over to 00:00. I wanted Aneurin to be 'this year' not 'last year' and now again, I am struggling with the fact that he won't even be 'last year'. I feel like the more time that passes, the less I am allowed to grieve. I know though, that time means nothing. Aneurin is as present in our family as ever and a new year can't change that. 

It goes without saying (but I'm going to anyway) that Lilian is the greatest part of this year. I will never be able to say this year was awful because it gave me her. This bright eyed, inquisitive, cheeky little girl has swept us completely off our feet. Even when it's 3am, her eyes have pinged open for the 9th time and I'm so exhausted I can feel tears prick at my eyes before they're even open, when I see her in the dark grinning that open mouthed smile that makes her ears twitch and her nose crinkle, my heart feels like it might burst with love. I can't believe there was a time when she didn't exist, it feels like she's always been here somehow just waiting for us. Waiting to come and breathe life back into us. 

Once again I'm torn between not wanting time to pass and feeling hopeful for what it might bring. I'm still so apprehensive about the future, so afraid of looking forward in case more pain lies ahead but maybe that's okay. Maybe I don't need to wonder what 2017 is going to bring. Just sitting in this moment, focusing on what is infront of me is more than enough and right now, the world doesn't look so bad. 

Wishing you all hope, light and peace for the coming year. 

Mrs D x

1 comment

  1. Happy New Year lovely! Hoping 2017 brings light and peace and happiness to you and your family. Lilian is just so blinkin' cute, enjoy your continued adventures xx


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