Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Rainbow Pregnancy 4-11 Weeks

4 Weeks
Overwhelmed is my current state of mind. Actually, it's amazed/happy/terrified/confused/guilty/excited/worried but overwhelmed covers it better.

For the last few days I've had a funny taste in my mouth, I've needed to wee literally every half an hour, I've had three frankly terrifying spots sprout on my face and some spotting. In the back of my mind I knew but I desperately was trying to be sensible and not get my hopes up. We've been actively trying to conceive since I had my first period after giving birth to Aneurin but I had resigned myself to the fact it probably wouldn't happen for a very long time. I never ever imagined we would see the word 'pregnant' flash up on a test for months to come yet there it was clear as day this afternoon.

I am terrified. Terrified that this little bean won't make it to 12 weeks. Terrified that if they do they'll be poorly. Terrified that if they're not poorly something else will happen. Terrified we won't love them as much as we love Aneurin. Terrified that we won't be bringing this baby home either. You might be thinking 'you've had your share/it won't happen twice' but it does. It is a very real possibility and that is terrifying. Relinquishing control is really hard. The one thing our life with Aneurin has taught me is that anything can happen and we have absolutely no control over it. We have no idea what is round the corner.

I feel guilty. I absolutely know a second child will never replace Aneurin but I feel guilty, like we're moving on from him. I feel guilty for not being as happy as I was when I found out I was pregnant with A. I don't have the same excitement and I feel awful for that. I'm worried the baby will feel it which I realise is ridiculous because it is currently the size of a poppy seed but I'm still scared.

This baby feels like a gift. A wonderful Christmas present from our son. It feels all the more special because this baby's due date is only a day after Aneurin's original one. In a way that makes it all the more difficult to remember that this is a completely different pregnancy and there is absolutely no reason we won't be bringing our second child home. It does mean too that I'll be hitting two milestones at once; Aneurin's first birthday and the gestation we lost him. That will be hard but we will get through it and I want the focus to be Aneurin's birthday more than anything else.

I've not slept well since I found out which is my usual reaction to stress. I desperately want to be calm but it's just not happening.

7 Weeks
Yesterday was horrible. I had a silly row with my mum and went completely off the rails. All the worry, confusion and emotions I haven't been able to make sense of came out at once. I chucked a plate across the room. I screamed. And then I wept. My poor, poor mum. She always bears the brunt of my most extreme emotions, I think because I know that no matter what she will love me and no matter how cross she is at me her default reaction is to protect me. She just held me and we both sobbed.

I'm scared of moving forward.
I'm scared people will forget Aneurin.
I'm scared people will think this baby is a replacement for Aneurin and that because we have them our grieving is over.
I'm scared something will happen to this baby.
I'm scared to form an attachment in case it does because I honestly don't know how I will cope.
I feel guilty for having another baby.
I feel guilty for having a future that doesn't involve Aneurin growing infront of us.
I feel guilty for not being excited about this baby.
I feel stupid for even entertaining the idea that we might get to keep this baby.
I feel like if I talk about a future involving this baby I will make something bad happen.
I'm worried it's too soon.
I'm worried about how I will be able to love this baby as much as I love Aneurin.
I'm worried that eventually I will love this baby more than Aneurin because I will be able to get to know them more.

I thought my biggest secondary loss was myself but it's not, it's having to render control and accept that bad things will happen. I feel like I had finally found my feet and now I am stumbling around in the dark again.

11 Weeks
Somewhere over the last few weeks it got easier. When I think back to those first four or five weeks I really and truly don't know how I got through them. The guilt and fear was like nothing I've ever felt before. I refused to talk about being pregnant with anyone, even Mr D. His excitement made me feel sick, I couldn't deal with it at all. He nicknamed this little one Poglet very early on and to begin with I couldn't stand hearing it because I was scared of making them real. I soon found myself calling them it too though which in a way really helped me. Slowly I've reached the same place and I feel infinitely calmer. I knew there would be an adjustment period but I never imagined it would be so difficult.

All I had wanted since losing Aneurin was to be pregnant again. First it was just the desire to be pregnant because it had been taken away from me so quickly and in such a way that I felt like I was left with nothing. I missed having my baby with me, it felt so wrong being alone in that way. Eventually though that initial desperation moved into needing to mother something. I needed to be parent with a living child and for the most part it was only Aneurin I wanted but I knew I could never have him in that way. The need for a living child after you've lost a baby is overwhelming and all consuming. You can busy yourself and pretend it isn't but it's very difficult to think about anything else, especially if you're actively trying. You're constantly analysing what's happening with your bits every time you go to the loo, you're tracking every possible sign of ovulation there is; you're so hyper-aware of your body it can verge on obsessive. We were incredibly lucky in that it really only took five months (two really though because I didn't ovulate for the first three). However, we had expected it to take so much longer and although we knew actually getting pregnant was just the beginning of a very long journey, I don't think either of us were really prepared for it.

As with everything though we (mostly me...) just needed time to adjust. I needed to process it in my own time and in my own way. It sounds strange but in a way I needed to compartmentalise my two children which sounds as though it would be quite easy with one not on this earth and the other still having a tail but it was hard. And exhausting. But I'm getting there. That's not to say I am still not completely terrified and that I am absolutely fine even 90% of the time but for the most part I can make sense of all my emotions.

We are taking it a day at a time, focusing on each appointment and breaking it down into tiny milestones. If I'm honest I very rarely think about this baby in terms of holding them in my arms and everything that happens after birth. That is in part due to the unexpected bombshell dropped on us at 8 weeks when we were told I potentially have a condition called Antiphospholipid syndrome. There will be a separate post on this in the next few days but it has a very real impact and in a strange way has helped me focus on the here and now rather than hypothetical worries. Actually taking a baby home seems so far away at the minute so we are enjoying each day as it comes. Today I am pregnant and that is a gift.

I love my big boy who lives in my heart and can finally say how excited I am to be making him a big brother. I already feel so much love for this little one and I cannot wait to answer the question 'how many children do you have?' with an honest and proud, 'two'.

Love,
Mrs D x

Next up, my 14 Week Pregnancy Update!
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