Saturday, 5 March 2016

Mother's Day

I've always loved Mother's Day. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my mum. We are very close and I love having a special day where I get to tell her just how much I love and appreciate her. I'm not sure how much effort I put into it as a child (although I'm sure she'll be able to show you a plethora of wonky cards and tissue paper bouquets from over the years) but as an adult I've tried to mark it in some way even if it's just writing something special in a card.

We don't always get on and frankly it's a small miracle if we can get through our weekly visit without bickering at something but even the biggest, scariest, loudest rows dissolve away and I know they don't matter. We've been through more than most as mother and daughter throughout my life and this past year has only strengthened our bond. This year I'm not sure the words exist to tell my mum just how much I appreciate her. Her unwavering love and incredible support over the last year is staggering. Not only did she lose her first grandchild but she had to watch her own child go through the pain and trauma of losing their baby. I can't imagine what that must have been like but she has been a rock and I'm not sure I could have gotten through any of the events of the last year without her. 

Having said that though this Mother's Day is going to be hard. 

My Mother's Day will start by waking up in a hotel after having celebrated the marriage of our two friends and filling myself up on hotel breakfast (is it just me who gets really excited about a hotel breakfast?!). I will ring my mum to tell her I love her and encourage Mr D to do the same but after that I don't know what I'll do with myself. I might be perfectly okay and able to enjoy my day as any other Sunday or I might be a weepy mess and want to hide in bed all day. However I feel will be completely fine and I will let it happen without judgment. 

There are so many reasons as to why someone might not welcome Mother's Day with open arms. Why they might look away at all the loving family adverts on the television, avoid the card displays in the supermarket or angrily delete the endless slew of emails offering mum's a free glass of fizz on that special Sunday. I've always been very aware of how lucky I am not only just to have a mum here on this earth but how lucky I am to have the relationship I do with her. Now though, Mother's Day has a whole new meaning for me and it is tinged with heartache. 

Whilst the knowledge that my sweet Aneurin will never beam his proudest smile at me whilst he hands me a homemade card filled with wobbly writing breaks my heart I know that those are not the things that affirm me as a mother. I know I am a mum. I grew a whole new person in my body. I loved him fiercely and nurtured him as best as I could. I gave life no matter how brief. There are so many ways in which a person can be a mother, those are mine and nobody can take them away from me. There will always be one less pair of grubby little boy hands to help make my breakfast but with this new little life in me I am hopeful that next year I will find my feet as a mother on Mother's Day. 

To all the mums reading this whether your children are with you or not and whether you share their DNA or not, you are wonderful. You deserve to be celebrated and I hope however you're spending this day it is with love in your heart. 


Love,
Mrs D x
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