I'm publishing this a little later than usual because we had a scan on Saturday and I wanted to wait for that for a couple of reasons. Normally updates will be posted on a Friday!
I still can't quite get over how different this pregnancy is to Aneurin's. I feel so very different. My symptoms are still so quiet which is unnerving sometimes but I know I should be grateful! The tiredness is still going strong but it's mostly a physical tiredness in which my body aches. If I've been walking around for a while my hips and lower back are starting to ache a lot and my sciatica is being a serious pest. The sciatica started towards the end of my pregnancy with Aneurin was purely because his head had been pressing on my sciatic nerve. It lasted for quite a while afterwards, eased off but is back with a vengeance. I wonder if there's some sort of lasting damage or whether my body just didn't have enough time to heal before my uterus started taking over my body again! Either way, it hurts and I don't like it. I've also had a little bit of SPD pain when turning over in bed but thankfully I know all the things I should do to keep it controlled and it's been working so far. The pillow between my knees is now my best friend. I'm considering investing in a maternity pillow if anyone can suggest a good one?
Mentally I'm not doing too well at the minute. It's been a hard couple of weeks with the death of my Uncle and another close family member being very unwell. Grief is exhausting at the best of times but my hormones are running on overtime and it all just seems a little too much right now. For some reason my grief for my Uncle has brought my grief for Aneurin to the forefront and it feels very fresh again. As a result there have been an awful lot of tears this week and some of the most difficult days I've had in a long time.
My anxiety about Poglet is getting worse in some ways because my guard is down and I've been letting those niggly thoughts creep in more than I would normally do. I'm trying so hard to be positive and focus on each day as it comes. The mantra for anyone going through a pregnancy after a loss is 'today, I am pregnant' and I've been desperately trying to remind myself of that on a daily basis but when I'm struggling with other things it becomes very difficult.
My next appointment with my wonderful midwife is on Monday and as it's my 16 week appointment she'll be listening for the heartbeat. At first I was so excited about that but as it gets closer the memory of the last time she put the doppler to my belly and heard nothing but silence keeps popping up in my head. On Friday those memories wouldn't go away and my brain decided to replay those traumatic moments and the hours after on a loop. The trauma flashbacks haven't happened for a long time but thankfully Mr D was there to hold me, talk me through it and distract me and even more thankfully, he will be with me on Monday (thank you Easter holidays!). It'll be a bittersweet moment but fingers crossed we'll be able to hear a nice strong heartbeat and the next time will be that much easier.
On a slightly lighter note, my wardrobe is finally looking a little less rubbish! 6 or so weeks ago I sorted through all my clothes and packed away the bits that no longer fit me. Sadly for me that meant at least 80% of my wardrobe disappeared into the spare room and I was left rotating the same three of four items. Fortunately though the lovely, lovely people at Yours Clothing came to the rescue with their new plus size maternity range, Bump It Up! I'm going to start publishing outfit posts in the next week or so so keep an eye out. If you're plus size and pregnant and struggling to find decent plus size maternity wear, definitely have a look. The leggings are incredible, super comfortable and high enough over bump and for the first time in my life I have a maxi dress that actually goes past my ankles!
We saw our Poglet yesterday and my mother's intuition is flippin' brilliant because I was right, we are having a girl! She was having a sleep (note to self, don't eat lunch, have a bath and a nap before a scan!) so wasn't frog dancing like she was at 12 weeks but it was wonderful to see her. She kept stretching her arms and legs out straight and shuffling about to get comfy. I feel so much better for having seen her and knowing that everything is looking good. I hope this relief lasts until the next scan which seems so far away at the end of April!
Here she is snoozing on her tummy.
Mrs D x
ps. I'm hoping that life will calm down a little bit in the next couple of weeks and I'll be feeling a bit better so can get a few more posts published. If you have any suggestions of what you'd like to see, whether it's about pregnancy in general or specifically a rainbow pregnancy/pregnancy after loss, let me know in the comments!