Sunday, 31 January 2016

Six Months

Six months since we saw your face for the first time. Six months since I stroked your long fingers, my fingers, and wondered how on earth we could have made something so perfect. Six months since we walked out into a world without you. 

The realisation that I will never see you again in this life still takes my breath away. Those first few months feel so alien, covered in a mesh of shock and trauma. I don't remember most of it and I certainly don't know how we got through them but somehow we put one foot in front of the other and ended up here. Here doesn't feel like even half way there, just a tiny fraction. 

People talk about you less now. You're not the main topic of conversations with other people but it's okay, I understand. The world kept spinning when ours slowed down entirely and that still hurts. I have to keep reminding myself that the people who matter will never forget you. They'll never mistake the number of children we have. They'll never think you could be replaced or moved on from. The people who matter love you forever. You stole their hearts as much as ours. Selfishly, I love it. I love that people cried for you. I love that they want to honour you. You deserve that and so much more. 

Grief is overwhelming and confusing, still. Now more than ever. Sometimes I don't understand how I will ever function properly in a world without you. I miss the weight of you in my arms. I miss the warmth of your body when you were born, the feel of your little hand in mine. I miss the coolness of your cheek when I kissed it for the last time. I didn't mind you being so cold. I didn't mind because you were mine and I was yours and I loved you exactly as you were. 

We make up stories about you. We wonder what you're doing, who you're with. We know you're not really gone, not completely. We feel you all the time. In the winter sunrise, the movement of the ocean and the breeze through the trees. I love standing outside our back door, closing my eyes and feeling you so close like a word caught on the end of my tongue. I need those moments. Those moments are what keep me putting one foot in front of the other, one step further towards you. 

Mrs D x


Sunday, 10 January 2016

Freya Afterglow Bra Review

A couple of months ago a lovely lady from Bras Galore got in touch to see if I would like to do a bra review. After my brain initially went 'oh god no, not ready' I decided to just go with it and said yes for two very good reasons. The first being one I touched on in my first post after my break. My relationship with my body has changed. All the love and admiration I once had for my body has gone and it's hard to look at it without picking out all its flaws at the minute. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little bit and highlighting the parts of me I used to like the most is helpful and thankfully my boobs (and putting them up for all to see!) qualifies for both of those! 

The second reason is self care. Boobs are important and need to be looked after, especially during and after pregnancy. It can be very, very hard to remember to or make the effort to look after yourself following the death of a baby but it is so important. I've written more about this and the changes your body goes through after loss on my other blog, Frivolous Mama. 

The bra I chose to review is the Freya Afterglow plunge bra in a 38HH. Before I was pregnant I wore a 38J, then a 40J during pregnancy for comfort. However, I was fitted after I gave birth and was quite surprised to find I had gone down a cup size. 

In terms of sizing Afterglow is spot on. When I was choosing which bra to review I read a few reviews claiming otherwise but I found the fit to be great. The band fit perfectly on the first hooks (always start off here and move back as the band stretches with wear) but at the end of the day it did leave me with a red mark round my ribcage. I'm sure after a few wears though it will loosen up a little. My boobs fit well in the cups with no wrinkly or bulging and the central gore sat flush with my skin. I'm normally a little wary of bras with such a large lace top cup as my boobs are top heavy and tend to spill out, however the lace on Afterglow is quite firm so held me in all day. The straps were wide enough to add extra support but still pretty, especially with the floral print. 

Freya Afterglow plunge bra 38HH

This is my first Freya bra in a long time but I'll definitely be buying more. You can purchase Afterglow from Bras Galore along with masses of other gorgeous D+ bras.

Mrs D x
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