Friday, 13 November 2015

Capture Your Grief 2015 Days 6-10


Day 6. BooksThese books have all been incredibly helpful in different ways over the last few months. 
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth was a book recommended to me by a dear friend and it proved to be invaluable. I was never afraid or even apprehensive about giving birth but this book took away any underlying worries I had and gave me so many techniques I used during Aneurin's birth.
I Love You, Natty was a gift from Downs Side Up when we had Aneurin's diagnosis of Down's Syndrome. It's written by her elder daughter Mia about her little sister Natty who has DS. Hayley was and continues to be an incredible support and inspiration.
After we lost our sweet Pea I needed distraction but couldn't cope with much so I turned to the Harry Potter books. We've spent a lot of time fishing which means a lot of reading time for me. I ended up reading one book a week but even when they were done I still didn't feel up to anything much more intense so now I'm making my way through The Hunger Games! A bit more meaty but still not very heavy.
Reading has always been a crutch for me and I'm so grateful for the distraction and escapism of books.



Day 7. Memory - It was really difficult to pick one specific memory of our time with Aneurin but this one stuck out the most. Every night my husband read a story to my bump and without fail Pea would stop moving as if he was genuinely listening. We had a day at home after he passed away before I went in to be induced and there were two things I wanted to do with him still with me. One was have a long bath and the other was have my lovely hairy husband read him a story and that's when I took this photo. Those 5 minutes every day were and still are so precious to me. Watching my husband do that and watching him with Aneurin after he was born made my heart soar. I don't have the words for the things those moments make me feel but they're big and powerful and wonderful.I also have a lot to say about the importance of making positive memories with your baby once they're born but that seems more suited to a blog post.


Day 8. Wish list - I wish our son were here with us. I wish I could hold him one more time. I wish I knew the colour of his eyes. I wish I knew what his smile looked like. I wish I knew what his laughter sounded like. I wish I had a warm cheek to kiss at night instead of a photograph. I wish I could protect my husband from this pain. I wish nobody else ever had to know what this feels like.



Day 9. Family - My family are everything. The ones I was given and the ones I chose. The ones who stay, who stick it out even when you don't always see eye to eye, who see through you and accept you for all your flaws and in all your versions; those are the ones who deserve to be called family. Aneurin is a part of that family. My mum and step dad and my husband's parents have a grandson. My brother and sister in law and my husband's brother have a nephew. We have a son. He may not be here but he will always be a part of my wonderful, silly, loud, loving family. The bottom left photo is my most favourite. One of the few precious family photos we have of mummy, daddy and baby.





Day 10. Words - So many people said 'I know words can't help/nothing I can say will make it better' when they sent their condolences but they were so wrong. Every word was a comfort. Every card, every letter, every message, every comment, even someone sending kisses or hearts was and is a comfort. I've screenshotted every single comment we received on my FB and on here when we announced Aneurin's silent arrival and will be printing them off to put in his memory box along with all the cards we got.I also find blogs and articles written by bereaved parents incredibly helpful. Reading about other peoples' grief helps me understand mine.

Love,Mrs D x


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