Friday, 27 November 2015

Capture Your Grief 2015 Days 26-31

Days 16-20
Days 21-25

Day 26. Gratitude - I am grateful for my kind hearted, silly husband who never asks for more than what I'm capable of. I am grateful for my mum who loves me unconditionally and who taught me what it means to be a mother. I am grateful for my friends who say Aneurin's name and want to know everything no matter how difficult it is to hear. I am grateful for the incredible love and support we've received from people whatever form it's come in.
I am most grateful though for my beautiful big footed baby boy and the time we had with him even though it will never be enough. I'm grateful for his existence and all he taught us. We are different people because of him. We might be broken right now but we're also richer and filled with a love and joy we might never have known without him. No matter how much hurt we've experienced I would still choose him a thousand times over.

Day 27. Self portrait - This is who I am today. Broken, exhausted, desperate and scared. But also hopeful, grateful, compassionate and loving. I am changed, Aneurin changed me, grief has changed me but deep down I am still the person who will chase cats down the street and make them be my friends, who would rather stick my head in a bag of eels than clean the bathroom and who finds unbridled joy in new slippers. I am a new version of myself and I need to remember that that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Day 28. Reach out - I wanted to use today's prompt to mention Still Loved, a feature documentary on stillbirth. It follows families trying to rebuild their lives after loss. The filmmakers are currently asking for donations via Just Giving to enable the film to be shown on television and in cinemas.
I am reaching out today by donating to them and to ask you to do the same, especially if you're in the UK. Very few people are aware of stillbirth; not just that occurs but what actually happens and what life is like afterwards. Whilst there has already been one stillbirth storyline in a soap this year and another happening soon, these are dramatised for entertainment. The reality of life after infant loss is something only bereaved parents truly understand and sadly the general public aren't always so compassionate or empathetic. Hopefully this film can help to change that.
There's a trailer for the documentary and more information including the link to donate at

Day 29. What Heals You - I think the key to recovering after any trauma is self care and a huge part of that is finding what heals you. So many people lose themselves when they lose their child and don't know who they are or where they fit anymore. I want to believe that finding the things that heal me will help me find myself again.
Being surrounded by nature and beauty fills me with peace, especially if it involves a body of water. I love going fishing with my husband and just sitting by the lake with a book. Sometimes it's hard because my husband especially was so looking forward to teaching Aneurin to fish and I imagined learning about birds and nature with him but it also makes us feel close to him.
When I think about it there are so many things that heal me in my life; long Lush baths, my attentive kitties, the people around me, crafting things and being creative (in my own limited way!). I want to focus on taking time every day to appreciate these and indulge in them a bit more.
Whilst I was pregnant I started making a wedding book using Project Life but haven't touched it since we lost Aneurin. I think finishing it would be incredibly healing as it serves as a reminder of the best parts of my life and that without our marriage our beautiful boy wouldn't have existed.

Day 31. Sunset Today marks three months since our beautiful boy was born. It feels both so long ago and like it was only yesterday. Three months have passed and three months we have survived. We are still putting one foot in front of the other and for that I feel pretty proud of ourselves.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month might be over but I plan on continuing to be open with my grief. Although it feels as though we get further away from Aneurin and the time we spent with him with each day that passes I know we will carry him with us forever. Rather nicely our November will start with an All Souls Day ceremony at the church we got married in with the vicar who led Aneurin's service. His name will be spoken and we'll light a candle for him; our precious baby boy.
Thank you to everyone for your responses of love, support and solidarity this month. And an enormous thank you to Carly Marie Dudley for creating this project and for being a beacon of light in the darkness.

Mrs D x

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