Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Capture Your Grief 2015 Days 11-15

Day 11. Glow in the woods - People keep praising for my strength and grace lately which is wonderful but I don't feel like I can take all the credit. Most of it is down to these four people. The people who pick me up and carry me when I can't go on, who really and truly have been there for the most difficult parts and who have seen me stripped back at my very worst and did nothing but love me.
These aren't just the most important people in my life but in Aneurin's too, by both our sides from day one until the very end. They were all with me during my labour (albeit two of them in different countries at the time!) and never faltered in their support. I could not have gotten through that without their love. They are strong for me when I can't be and they let me be exactly what I need to be even when it's hard on them.
If there is any good to have come from this, it's my relationship with my mum, my husband and my best friends. We are all closer and stronger than I could ever have imagined. They are my beacons of light and I can never thank them enough.

Day 12. Normalising grief - Using my blog and this here Instagram has been so therapeutic for me. It's allowed me to work through my grief in a way that makes me feel in control and like I'm doing something positive with it. I realise not everyone will want to follow me on this ~journey~ but this is what I need to do.
I've had a huge number of messages from women who have suffered losses at various stages who don't feel they can talk about it. Some recent and some years and years ago. Grief isn't something people talk about because it's uncomfortable, especially when it relates to the loss of an infant. Bereaved parents need to know it’s okay to acknowledge their pain and go through the grief process in whatever way they need to. I really want to take our experience and do something positive with it and I hope that by being open it will help someone else.

Day 13. Regrets and triggers - In the early days after losing Aneurin I was riddled with guilt. I felt as though I had failed. My one job as a mother was to protect my son and I couldn't do it. I feel like I should have noticed something earlier so I could have gone to the hospital earlier. But, deep down I know I did everything right, Aneurin was poorly and his heart just couldn't sustain him.
So really, I don't think I have any regrets. Despite being very sick and in a lot of pelvic pain during my pregnancy I loved my time with him. That's not to say it wasn't hard and there were times I couldn't wait to be not pregnant but I cherished every second with him.
I do however have a lot of triggers. Seeing a couple or a parent with a young baby is the most difficult. It breaks my heart to look at people and think 'that should be us'. We should be pushing our son in a pram beaming with pride at strangers hoping they'll notice and comment on our beautiful baby. I can't bring myself to look at babies. I avoid pregnant women in the street. I focus on the floor or stare straight ahead praying they'll move away quickly.
One of the biggest triggers for me happened a couple of weeks after Aneurin was born. I woke up one morning to the sound of a young baby crying and for a split second I thought it was him. The pain of realising it wasn't and it never would be was horrific. I still find a baby's cry piercing. It makes me want to run away and hide.
3 months in and there are so many triggers. A pregnancy announcement, a birth announcement, a baby's giggles, the tender voice a parent uses towards their child all feel like salt in the wound. But, I know it will get easier. It has to.

Day 14. Express your heart - Today my heart feels peaceful. I don't know whether it's because our appointment with the consultant yesterday answered most of our questions and gave us a positive outcome in terms of the future or whether that's just what will happen sometimes but it's comforting.
Today we've talked about Aneurin happily, fondly and freely. We've laughed about him having his mummy's big feet and his daddy's nose, we've dreamt up his personality and imagined him in all his freedom. I've been moved to tears by words and gestures but in a wonderful way.
Today my heart is not heavy with trauma and grief but light with gratitude and love. I know it won't last and the next wave could come crashing down around me at any moment but for now, I feel peaceful and these are the moments I live for.

Day 15. Wave Of Light - For my sweet Aneurin I miss you so much my heart aches. And for all the babies who couldn't stay.

Mrs D x

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