I wasn't sure I wanted to do today's prompt because I'm not
in a good place this evening but I realised that's exactly why I should do it.
I knew it was going to be long one too so I wanted to post it here.
Since losing Aneurin (actually since we got his diagnosis of
Downs Syndrome) people have praised my strength and grace which I feel strange
about. I suppose I am a strong person but I don't feel as though it comes from
me but rather than from Aneurin and my love for him. He is propelling me
through my grief. My desire to honour his memory and make him proud is what
keeps me going. I feel like it's my duty to be brave and talk about him openly.
That isn't right for everyone and I appreciate that completely but for me, it
feels right. I'm an articulate person; I'm good at analysing things and I
understand my emotions more than I'd like to sometimes. In theory I know all
the things I should do and I understand where I am in terms of my grief but
those things don't always translate into practice. Sometimes I'm not brave and
I can't tell myself to make him proud because it's simply too painful but I try
my best.
This project has been incredible for me. It's given me space
to process my grief by separating different aspects and allowing me to work
through them. Each day has given me something new to think about and encouraged
me to think about things I didn't realise were integral to healing. It's given
me the opportunity to connect with other bereaved parents which I think is a
really important part of child loss. People can empathise and try to understand
but there's an unspoken bond between bereaved parents that can't be replicated.
I've both loved and struggled to read other people's stories. Some days it was
just too difficult to be presented with the reality of child loss but for every
ounce of sadness there's a tonne of love and joy. It is an incredible honour to
know so many names of both parents and babies. Overall, Capture Your Grief has
been invaluable.
However, the reason I knew I needed to complete today's
prompt is because despite all that, I am sad. I am angry. I miss my son more
than I can say. I am still only 3 months into our loss and although it does get
a tiny bit easier to live with every day, my heart is still so heavy and there
are moments when I just cannot comprehend how I will ever be able to live a
normal life again. I still struggle to catch my breath and sometimes there
isn't even a noticeable trigger that clubs me over the head, it
just happens out of nowhere. I might be able to articulate my emotions and
understand why I feel them but it doesn't make them any easier to sit with.
I was so worried when I started this project that people
would recoil from me and that I was sharing too much. That people didn't want
to hear about my grief because it wasn't something I should be talking about.
However, the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Every message I've
received from women in a similar position has spurred me to carry on and I know
that sharing mine, my husband's and Aneurin's story is important. Sure, I've
had people unfollow me and some of them have been upsetting but if that's what
they needed to do, that's fine. This is what I need to do. The amount of
messages I've had from women telling me they don't feel like they can talk
about their children any more because other people have stopped and expect them
to have moved on or that nobody has spoken their child's name in years is
heartbreaking. Our deceased children are just as important as living ones. Yes,
our lives continue and I'm sure that one day we become in control of our grief
rather than the other way around but that love for our children will never go
away. I don't expect to still feel the need to talk about Aneurin in 10 years
time in the same way than I do today but right now I need to talk about my son
and I need to let other people know it's okay to talk about their children too.
They are important and their names deserve to be heard.
This project has shown me that it's okay to speak out and
that by doing so it might help others to do the same and as such I will
continue to do so.
Love,
Mrs D x