Saturday, 12 September 2015

Six Weeks

Today I am scared. 

I'm scared because I thought I was coping but I've realised I'm not. I'm spending each day manically distracting myself, petrified to be alone for five minutes with nothing to focus my mind on. The second I feel anything I swallow hard and shake it off, pushing whatever it was down and away so I don't have to deal with it. I can feel it building up and intensifying inside of me and I know it has to surface but I'm so scared. I don't want to feel it. 

I'm scared because I don't know who I am anymore. This has changed me completely. I was pregnant me for 8 wonderful months. It was hard and tiring and at times really very difficult but I loved being pregnant me. That identity was taken away from me so quickly along with parent me who I was so incredibly excited to be. I can't go back to the me before I was pregnant, not with what I know now. I am such a different person now I know what it's like to grow a child, to love them so fiercely before they even move and then to feel that life and personality move inside me, I can't ever forget that. It changed me. I can't be the me I was before but I can't be pregnant me or parent me either. I have no idea who I am. If I carve a person from what I have now she will be empty and sad and broken and that's not who I want to be. 

I'm scared because I can laugh and enjoy myself and I don't understand. It's real and it's lovely because I need to feel hope but it scares me. 

I'm scared because I woke up this morning and Aneurin wasn't the first thing I thought about. He appeared a minute or so after but I'm so used to him being there as soon as I wake up and it was horrible. I felt like I had forgotten him, betrayed him. I don't want to move on. I don't want to not think about him all the time.

I'm scared because I have that overwhelming swell of emotion in my chest right now. My eyes sting, my head aches and something is twisting in the pit of my stomach. But rather than let it flow I am swallowing hard and gritting my teeth because I'm scared if I don't it will just never stop. 
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3 comments

  1. Oh beautiful lady, what did we talk about the other day! You need to remember to be kind to yourself. Guilting yourself can do so much damage. You are still You, you are beautiful and kind, but you are hurting, changing and growing. The moment you conceive you're already split into many different people and it is terrifying, and from then you have always been Parent you. You could never betray your child because you love him. You are still his mother and you will both always love each other unconditionally. I don't know what you believe happens after death, but he is a soul that is connected to you, who knows what happens, but he will always love his parents and want them to be happy. Be kind and take your time, you have to find your own way of coping and no one else can judge that. sending so much love to you x

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  2. Oh by darling, please read the above comment over and over again, you friend is oh so right. You are and always will be a parent to Aneurin, you are still you just slightly different because being a parent makes you more aware of life and things around you. We are always here for you, both of you, you are not alone. Love you. xxx

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  3. I've been following you on Instagram and your blog for ages and even though you don't know me, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that you feel alone and you don't know how many people are rooting for you, just on the basis of all of the good vibes you're putting out in the world! If you feel as though you're struggling to find yourself, perhaps you can find a community? Katie Inglis (http://www.kateinglis.com/archive) also survived infant loss and started a group called Glow in the Woods (http://www.glowinthewoods.com/) for 'babylost parents'. I've looked and there are grief support groups in London where you might be able to talk without feeling like you are putting anyone out, or altering their preconceptions of you, or even find a safe neutral space where hubby can let it out. It's natural to feel different, and as the others have said, it's so important to practice self-love especially now! We're all here for you.

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