Thursday, 6 February 2014


I did have a big, in depth post planned for today but rather ironically I'm in the midst of the worst mental health dip I've had since I was first treated in 2001 and instead, I'm just going to waffle. My concentration is rubbish so I apologise if this is disjointed and poorly written. My anxiety is constant and persistent. There is not a single day that goes by where it doesn't affect me in some way. The depression comes in waves and when it hits it generally hits hard. I seem to have two types of depression, one where my brain is so full and so busy that I can't make sense of anything and it exhausts me, the other leaves me lifeless and limp and is so completely debilitating I can barely find the energy to talk. I've been the latter for the last few months getting gradually worse. My GP referred me back to the community mental health team at the beginning of the year to be reassessed as she thinks I may have been misdiagnosed all those years ago and that I could have bipolar disorder. I've been treading water waiting for my appointment date later this month. 

However, things took a turn for the worse last week, everything got a bit too much for me to handle and for a brief moment I lost my grasp on whatever it is that keeps me afloat. Between my mum and my husband they decided the best thing to do for the time being would be for mum to come and stay with us for a while. My husband works quite long hours and is studying for a teaching degree so can't be at home with me during the day and I just cannot face being alone right now. I desperately wanted to avoid a hospital stay and my doctors and crisis team have agreed that mum staying with us is the best thing to do for now. 

I am incredibly lucky to have the support that I do from my husband, my mum and my two best friends. They all look after me so well both physically and emotionally and if it weren't for them I can hand on heart say I would have given up a long time ago. Fortunately for me they all understand, appreciate and encourage my need to be open and process things out loud. They never question why I do something the way I do or get irritated or tiresome of talking about my health which is something I am convinced everyone must. My brain convinces me that I am a burden, that everyone is bored of me being ill and that I just irritate everyone but if the people around me ever do feel like that, they never, ever let me know it and for that I am so grateful. I could not ask for a better immediate support system. 

I don't know what I wanted to get from sharing this; just to encourage people to talk I suppose. It's so important to know that however you're suffering, you're not alone in it. I think we would all be incredibly surprised to know just how many people live with a mental illness yet it is still something people don't talk about. I know there will be people reading this with apprehension, wondering why on earth I would want people to know something so personal, that I could only possibly want some sort of sympathy or attention but that's not what I want. I want more people to talk about it. I want people with a mental illness to be treated the same as someone with diabetes or IBS. There are good days and bad days and we don't know when they're coming. I don't want to feel ashamed for something I have no control over. It is difficult enough to come to terms with having a lifelong illness of any sort but when people treat you differently because of it and judge you, that makes it all the more difficult. Talking will help. 

If more people talk about mental illness, less people will be scared of it. Start a conversation, ask someone how they are, tell someone about how you're feeling, just talk! If you don't feel like you can talk to anyone in person but feel you need to, try one of these. 

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours a day)

Provides confidential, non-judgmental emotional support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those that could lead to suicide. You can phone, email, write a letter or in most cases talk to someone face to face.
Telephone: 0845 4647

Health advice 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Telephone: 0300 123 3393 (9am-5pm Monday to Friday)

Mind provides confidential mental health information services.
With support and understanding, Mind enables people to make informed choices. The Infoline gives information on types of mental distress, where to get help, drug treatments, alternative therapies and advocacy. Mind also has a network of nearly 200 local Mind associations providing local services.
Telephone: 0300 5000 927   (10am-2pm Monday to Friday)

Provides expert advice and information to people with mental health problems and those who care for them, as well as giving help to health professionals, employers and staff. Rethink also runs Rethink services and groups across England and Northern Ireland.
Telephone: 0845 767 8000 (6pm-11pm)

Saneline is a national mental health helpline providing information and support to people with mental health problems and those who support them.
A quite scared and fragile Mrs D x



  1. Love you and your overworking brain xx

  2. Thanks for sharing! I wish you all the best! Keep your head up. It's great to know you have a support system that is there for you. Your readers are here for you too. All the best.

  3. Hugs lovely from one MH sufferer to another. Take care of you as a priority. x x x

  4. I'm a bit of a lurker, but do read your blog a lot so I'm just delurking to say I'm thinking of you.

    I'm another MH issues sufferer and I'm into my second year of waiting for psychotherapy for very long-term anxiety and depression so have a bit of an understanding of what you are going through with that. I hope you come through your current crisis very soon, and hopefully the support of your mum and OH will really help.

    I also wish that MH issues were treated like asthma or the flu. Being mentally unwell should be no more stigmatising than having a bad back.

    Hugs and good thoughts to you Mrs D.

  5. My darling Mrs D, from the moment I met you, I fell in love with your spirit, and your laugh and your cutting humour. It's hard to remember our wonderful qualities when deep in the grips of an episode. So I thought I'd take the time to remind you, and let you know you are loved. You will come out the other side, you begin to feel chipper again, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. And when you do, we will get together and cackle and do big bear hugs.
    All my love, and boobs and such like,
    Mrs B x x

  6. Friends and family are so precious, when there are there for you like that, but you already know that - really hope things starting picking up for you sooner rather than later, take care :)

  7. Sending love and strength. You are an amazingly special person x

  8. Great post hun takes a lot of strength to talk about how you are feeling and in doing so you help encourage others to speak up. Big hugs xx


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