Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Health & Being a Knob

I've been half writing this post for months now but have been so incredibly apprehensive about publishing it because it's not fashion orientated and I've been really worried it could be misconstrued as not being body positive. However, I am a firm believer in being true to yourself and that I shouldn't be afraid of pissing some people off just for having an opinion or choice that might be slightly different to theirs. After all being body positive and fat accepting is all about understanding and non-judgement.

I am fat. I am comfortable with the body I am in right now. It's ironic because this is the biggest, fattest, squishiest version of myself but it's also the one I've accepted and loved the most. That love has been a lot of hard work on my part but has been encouraged and nurtured by (the majority of) the people around me and definitely by the plus size/fat community online. It's difficult not to learn to love your flabby bits when you surround yourself with incredible, strong, beautiful people who are proud of who they are.

Being comfortable with myself and even loving certain parts of my squishy body doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to want to change it. I've been scared of openly admitting that I want to be healthier in fear of being accused of not loving myself or others. I am genuinely worried that there are certain people in this plus size community that will not believe that I am 100% fat accepting and body positive simply because I want to change something. It's built up the point that I feel the need to justify why and I suppose this is what this post is about.

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. There are thousands of women with it and I know of many plus size bloggers who suffer with it. Having PCOS means I'm at a greater risk of endometrial cancer, heart disease and type 2 diabetes. My family have a strong history with the latter two conditions which doesn't bode well for me. Plus, I'm insulin resistant. Despite the evil effect it has on my periods I've been quite content in just plodding along as I am for the last few years. However, my hairy husband and I want to have children and having PCOS makes it very difficult to conceive because my body doesn't ovulate as frequently as it should do. And there's the ol' chestnut of does being overweight make it difficult to conceive or is it just scare mongering for fatties? Who bloody knows.

To me loving myself and loving my body also means taking care of it. The one thing I have always, always wanted is to have children. I would do anything to have children. I don't necessarily want them right this second but I know that in a few years we will be ready. I don't want to wake up one morning, decide that now is the time only to be told that we need fertility assistance because whether you agree with it or not the NHS will not give you any help with fertility if you are as overweight as I am. Then it takes me 2 or 3 years to get to the weight they deem worthy of parenting and my eggs really are shrivelled and useless.

The only known way of controlling PCOS (there is no cure) is through nutrition. Food. Lovely, lovely food. And so, I am trying to be healthier. My goal is not to lose weight, I have no numbers in my head and I could not give a shit about weighing myself. I just want to back away from the things that make my insulin levels go bat-shit crazy (forget the weight aspect of being insulin resistant, it makes you feel chuffing awful most of the time and leaves you with as much energy as sloth) and edge towards things that make me feel a bit better.

Why am I telling you this? Because I share my fears of going out in public with bare legs with you, and my love of polkadot dresses and red lipstick with you. Because I love food as much as I love fashion and I want to start sharing a bit of what goes in my body as well as what goes on it. I love seeing food posts on other people's blogs whether it's foodie reviews from Callie or what Rosie ate this week (bring it back!) or Gem's healthy food posts, I just love seeing food and getting inspiration from other people. If they can share food on their blogs, why can't I?

I feel like I'm building it up to be this huge thing when really, it's not. Infact, I'm probably being a bit of a knob. I just felt as though I needed to get it out in the open and say 'yes I am trying to be healthier but that doesn't mean I don't love my squishy tummy or your flabby thighs any less'! Oh, and I want to brag about what a flippin' awesome cook I am.

Love,
Mrs D x

ps. Just for the lols; I totally just ate half a bag of Percy Pigs whilst writing this post in my bed. Not every day is super duper healthy but I'm trying!
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9 comments

  1. You are very right and I love you xx

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  2. I don't think you have to stay as you are to be body positive. You can love your body but still want to make changes. I'm trying to loose weight but that doesn't mean I don't love my wobbly bits, I'd just love them more if they were a little smaller. :)

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  3. I think that body acceptance and/or fat acceptance is a great thing. Women (and men) of all sizes should be able to feel comfortable in their own skin. That being said I've seen some (definitely in the minority) blogs that should be about body acceptance, but seem to do a better job of glorifying unhealthy habits. I think it's possible to be healthy at any size.

    You need to do what's right for you, to hell with everyone else.

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  4. Any one who is truly your friend will not condemn you for wanting to achieve a healthier body to achieve you goal of starting a family, they will be supportive. As your mum, and no. 1 fan, I am fully behind you in becoming healthier.xxxxx

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  5. This is great. I have recently stumbled upon this Fat Positive/Body Acceptance way of life (literally less than a month ago) and in my head I've bee struggling with it because while, yes, I want to be positive and try to learn to accept myself the way I am NOW, I still want to lose some weight to lift some of the restrictions my size has put on me (such as wanting to be able to do a zip line or para sail with my husband, sit in a chair without needing to know the weight limit first, etc) but I still want to be body positive so the other day I asked myself "why can't I be fat/body positive and still want to lose weight?" SO you've hit the nail on the head! I think you can do both! Good for you! I think this whole movement is doing and believe in what's best for you and in writing this post that's what you're doing! :)

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  6. It is your body and you have every right to do what you want with it! you and your husband want a family, I wish you love and luck, If you are happy, then that is all anyone can ask! x

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  7. I love you Mrs D, I'll love you squishy, I'll love you not so squishy. End of. X x

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  8. I'm in a similar-ish kind of situation. I have the ovarian cysts but not the syndrome itself (according to my specialist) and I want kids. I've had two ectopic pregnancies in the last 10 years and am down a fallopian tube after the last pregnancy ruptured it. I have no idea if trying to improve my fitness (which may or may not result in weight loss) will help me fall pregnant, but time is running out for me, so I feel like I ought to find out. Like you I feel a kind of disconnect between loving myself and not wanting to offend the PS community, but at the same time I know if I don't give my ALL to trying to be a mum now I'll regret it at my leisure. Life is so hard sometimes. I know I don't know you well, but massive hugs to you. x x

    Just me Leah

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  9. What a great post, sorry that you have to suffer from this condition. Fortunately it is not something I have had to deal with, but I was recently told by my doctor that my 13 year old daughter had this due to high male hormone levels in her blood. He told me it was her weight that had caused it, and only by losing weight that it could be cured. Ironically, the reason she had the blood test was over concerns about her weight gain, which does not seem to correlate to what she eats! I disagree with his diagnosis, mainly because she has no symptoms of PCOS at all, and I know of lots of "thin" women and girls with the condition too!
    If it's any consolation, my friend who has PCOS (and who has always been very thin) found herself pregnant quite bu accident, whilst using contraception, and went on to give birth to a very happy and healthy baby boy x

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